Personal update - some rant

So, as with all the more recent personal journals. Feel free to skip this. I just want to keep those of you who want updates updated and at the same time I think ranting a bit makes me feel a little better.




As most of have read by now my life got rather stupid at the end of February. Things are still hard. Some days are better than others. After the last update things were suppose to move faster. At the case setting that was just days before the bail hearing the defense was told this was their last extension. Well, their deadline came and they said they had not talked to their client and needed more time. They were given another last extension. That extension ended today with the defense having a "personal emergency" and getting another last extension. 

How many lasts are they going to get?!

Also he is out on bail. Full bail, but still out. At least the amount wasn't lowered but knowing he is out and walking around leaves me rather....well, you can likely come up with words for it. 

I was told that if this is actually the last extension and they decide to plea than that court date will be in mid September and could possibly be right about Mike's birthday. It won't be on his actual birthday because it falls on a Saturday this year but it could be the Friday before or the Monday after. I was planning to fly east if I could manage to find the money for the flight so that I can visit his grave but now I can't. I have to wait and see what they will do and even if they decide to go to trial (which means the court proceedings will start in January at the earliest) it will be to late to get a flight for a reasonable price. I know there is no way I will have the money to buy a cross country flight with only 3 weeks notice. I know I could buy a flight now while the costs reasonable and then change it to another date if I have to but the re-booking fees and everything else. Ugh. I also have no idea when I would reschedule it for. I have very little desire to fly east for anything except for this. I also have no idea where I would come up with the money in the first place so really, this is just another reason why I can't fly east and it sucks. And this last reason is hard to explain. But if I booked the flight and then had to cancel/reschedule because of him...I don't think I could take that. I can't really explain it well. The idea that he could ruin more plans just makes me not even want to make any. I guess in a way that is giving him more power but really, he has already ruined the life I had planned what more power could he have? I just don't want to plan on doing something like this and then having that also taken from me. 

It's just so stupid. 

I get it. I do. I completely understand that our justice system is setup this way so that innocent people do not get put in jail. I cannot imagine much worse than being put in jail for something you didn't do. But for all the people that are victims and the ones that are left behind, the ones that have to wait and wait and wait, it is like they get to torture us more. What they did wasn't awful enough so now we have to suffer through as they drag everything out, as they play with the loop holes, as they get to enjoy their lives after taking one. I know there is no true justice in this world, not when lives are involved. There is nothing this person could do to make up for stealing Mike. There is nothing they could give that would be equal.  I just wish the small amount of retribution I can get would come sooner.




In other news. Motivation. It's hard. Anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? I am told that my completely lack of it is "totally normal" but that is said about everything dealing with grief. That doesn't really help with the problem. I want to get more done. I need to get more done. I just don't have any drive. I really need to find it. It isn't an art block. It is just motivation. So far I have been told to set goals and push through the lack of motivation but this usually leads to me staring at the wall and crying. Not too much getting work done that way. Any suggestions for how to find motivation would be greatly appreciated.